After roughly four decades in and out of the aging field, and now closing in to be one of those very specimens of that same field, I have noticed a few things about aging, regrets, dying well and dying badly and the promise of eternal life.
First, I believe that tension is built into almost every relationship. As a writer, I can’t pen a story without deliberately factoring in a healthy dose of tension into the plot. That’s life. With this as a presupposition, we can say that people will almost always go to their deathbed or grave with some poisoned, or at the least, bittersweet relationships. Where does that leave those who are left behind?
My experience tells me that truth is stranger, and often meaner, than fiction and writes some difficult endings into its script. Whether it’s a person’s will (think of the man who asked Jesus to arbitrate his dad’s will in his favor, see Luke 12:13), an offense about not getting invited to a wedding, a verbal insult (see King David’s deathbed order in 1 Kings 2:5-9), a senseless competition within family ranks seeping its way into offsprings and cousins or a marriage that went south, there are few that make it to the funeral home with a perfectly clear slate.
As a passerby of this aging phenomenon, I have only a couple of words of advice. First, and foremost, be kind to yourself. When someone dies, you may wish you had treated them differently or not let something slip out of your mouth that they cannot now hear your apology for. We are weak. Repent. This may set you up for a better experience the next time you visit a funeral home – particularly if you’re not the one being viewed.
Even if 90% of your relating to the deceased was positive, there may have been that one thing. I had a loving father and I was just getting to a new and better place with him just before he died suddenly. To my dismay and regret, we had one very bad conversation. It happened to be our last. I had scolded him about relegating God to a denomination that he thought had some hypocritical strains to it. I also addressed his lack of appreciation for the work that my brother and sister, who still lived with him, were doing for him. You can imagine my regret when I got the call of his passing just two weeks later. Fortunately, I loved him and knew him well enough that that last encounter didn’t define our total relationship. But, it did, and does some three decades later this week, sting. Perhaps, he needed to hear it before he passed…and that it was part of the tension we just can’t seem to figure out.
Yes, “… man is born to trouble as surely as sparks fly upward.” Job 5:7.
There’s only one person I can think of who got to apologize to someone after death and make it up to the person he had offended. St. Peter wept bitterly for denying Jesus three times. And three times, after Jesus’ resurrection, Peter got a chance to tell Jesus that he really did love Him. That’s one of the kindest post-funeral acts ever recorded.
Tension may be built into the equation. But, so is forgiveness. Take a tip from Jesus. Release others. Release yourself. And make all of your days a rehearsal of sorts for your next visit to the funeral home. It may be your last.
very good Bob That conversation seems to have had a very positive impact on your life hence your insight in the blog and how you have lived differently (better) because of the conversation. This world sure can be cruel lets keep doing our best to Love and enjoy it when we can. Love Brother Paul
Great advice Bob-Frank